Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
