She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Couch. On fire.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
