The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
