Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
