My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
this hospital has no fireball
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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