I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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