Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
