Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
