Your face is a jimmy john
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
