DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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