Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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