I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
