3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
