Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
