Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
