that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
