Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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