So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
