Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
