I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
