Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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