you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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