my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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