My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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