Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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