everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
