My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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