i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
