Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
