i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
