the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How does it feel to date your dad?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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