i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
