this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
