I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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