if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
