I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
