When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
