I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize