have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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