Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
