his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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