So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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