JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
