i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
