I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
