i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
