I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
