your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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