The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
