Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
