I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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