Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
