I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
