I am spending my child support on dildos
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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