the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
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