Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
